Chapter 24: Kaleidoscope

            I leaned over and kissed his cheek. After I pulled back I smiled and used my thumb to brush a few strands of hair away from his eyes. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped it away, “I’m sorry, but I have to go. My family is probably very worried about me.”

            There was a small twinkle of emotion in his eye but it was gone before I could place it, “Especially Klaus.”

            I nodded, not wanting to meet his gaze, “Yes, especially Klaus.”

            Cain moved his hand slightly so it rested against my knee, “Have a great life, Claire. You have so much ahead of you.”

            I smiled and another tear came, “Thank you. I’m sure you will have an amazing life with her. She’s beautiful.”

            “Yes, she is. But she is nothing like you.” There was a pause between us for what seemed like ages, “You should go. Like you said, your family is probably worried about you.”

            I stood and walked away, stopping in the doorway only to say, “Goodbye, Cain.” Then, I turned and left. I could feel the tears building behind the wall I had put up to protect myself all those years ago. I had finally chosen. Why didn’t I feel relieved? I climbed into my car, which had apparently been driven here by Tammy or Rhoslyn because there was a note stuck to the steering wheel. I tossed it into the passenger’s seat, too tired to even read it. The whole ride home I was slammed with thoughts. Looking into the past was like using a kaleidoscope; the images colored beautifully, the edges blurred and surreal. Was that really what my life used to be like? Or was it just a dream? The reds and blues and purples of life shifted across the canvas like memories through my mind.

            I pulled into the driveway and my whole family seemed to pour out of the house to the dooryard. I barely had time to get the door open before I felt my mother’s firm grasp on my arm as she yanked me from my seat into her embrace. She shook as rough gasps escaped her, I could hear her sobbing against my neck. My father and brothers stood a few feet away, watching everyone else gather around me, speaking to me in what seemed like foreign tongues. Their voices grew louder and louder in my ears, the humming suddenly becoming a terrible noise that washed over my entire body, “STOP!” I screamed and everything fell silent. I pushed my way through the crowd into the house and slammed the door behind me- hoping no one would be stupid enough to follow. I knew my mother was apologizing for me outside and I didn’t care. Everything seemed like a fairytale where happy endings never existed and the ones we are told as children are only lies to make us think that good things eventually happen to those who deserve them.

But you know what? That’s just what it is. A fairytale. There are no happy endings. You know why? Because people die, that’s why. That’s what Cain had promised me- a fairytale. “Forever and ever and ever after that.” What complete fucking bullshit that was. And yet I let him spoon-feed me all these things that I thought were true, all the things I had so desperately wanted to believe. I told him he was my prince; he said I was his princess. I couldn’t believe I had been so stupid. I turned and knocked everything off the counter in one swipe of my arm. I screamed and tears poured down my face, my whole body shaking as I seemed to go on some sort of psychotic rampage.

“Claire?”

I whipped around and was face-to-face with Klaus. His eyes were wide with concern and surprise “Oh. Hi.”

I just stood there, not really sure what to say to justify my actions because I knew nothing would. He stepped closer to me, “Are you alright? Tammy and Rhoslyn said you spent last night at the hospital.”

I knew he wasn’t saying as much as he had been told, “Yeah. I was there.”

I could feel it swelling up inside me- the anger and resentment and hurt that I had pushed down inside for years. Klaus and I had never fought before, but I could see it coming a mile away. The tension around us was building and it was only a matter of time before the pressure could no longer be contained, “Why were you with Cain last night?”

“For your information, I wasn’t with him I was with Tammy and Rhoslyn! He just happened to be there, it wasn’t like I planned it or anything. Why do you even care?” I snapped at him.

“What the hell does that even mean ‘why do I care? Of course I care, damnit! You almost got hit by a fucking CAR because of him!” He yelled back at me.

“No! He’s the one who kept me from being hit by that car! Why are you so angry with me? I’m here. I’m alive. And I’m faithful to you.”

“You don’t even see it, Claire! God, the point is that you were there! You should have been here with me!” Klaus had started pacing, his voice growing louder with every step.

“But I’m here now,” I whimpered, giving in and finally realizing that what I felt inside was sadness- not anger. I seemed to just melt against his chest as my arms wrapped around his waist. Tears streamed down my face and his arms pulled me even closer, his chin resting on the top of my head.

He sighed, “I’m sorry. I just don’t know what I would do without you. And thinking that he would have been the last person to see you and be with you made me very angry.”

“I know. I’m sorry, too,” My voice was calm but weak. Inside feelings bounced around and jostled about. My heart said one thing and my brain another- would they ever agree? It seemed as though this same war had been going on for far too long. I was tired. Tired of fighting myself. Tired of being unsure. Tired of being sad. Just tired. And no amount of sleep seemed to suppress the overwhelming feeling of tiredness that had hung in my chest for the past four years.