Chapter 3: Everybody Stares

I walked into first period- my sculpture class with Mrs. Darien. I threw all of my stuff onto the slanted studio desk and slumped onto the stool. My friend, Nym, was sipping her earl grey tea and sketching in a journal decorated with her name and cute little stickers. She looked at me with sympathetic eyes, “Oh no, something is wrong.”

            More tears rolled down my cheeks, “He dumped me.”

            Nym sat there with her ginger hair softly outlining her face and her body perfectly poised yet somewhat relaxed, “Well, he made a mistake, that’s for sure. What happened?”

            I told her everything; how hurt and sad and lonely I felt. She sat there silently, listening to everything I had to say- taking long, slow sips of her tea. Everyone sat in their seats as I spoke, pretending not to hear a single word I said, but I knew they were listening. I didn’t care, I was hurting. We might not be best friends, but she had done more for me than most of the people I had seen this morning. They stared at me with pitiful eyes; always looking but never approaching me to see if I was alright. I was sick of it already. Nym didn’t say much- in fact, she didn’t really give me advice at all- but she showed me she cared. She didn’t tell me to be angry with him, because it was impossible for me, and she knew that. She did, however, tell me that everything would work out the way it was meant to be.

            The bell rang for break by the time all my tears had dried, yet my face was still red with sadness. As I walked to English the thought of seeing Cain made my breath catch in my throat. We had this class together. Rhoslyn, my best friend, came up behind me and rested her hand on my back. I jumped a little, surprised by her touch, “You okay? How are you holding up?” I had called her last night right after it happened.

            I told myself to be strong- to keep it together, “No.”

            Great, more tears. Who was I kidding, trying to keep it together in front of the one person who could still help me put my scattered pieces back in their place. She pulled me in for a hug, “Shhh… It’s going to be okay. Let’s go to the cafeteria and find Tammy, she was looking for you this morning.”

            I nodded and let her take me by the hand like a child. She kept looking back to make sure I hadn’t just cut my hand off and run down the hall in the opposite direction. I knew that where she was taking me would hurt the most. The cafeteria was where Cain and I had spent almost every single break since freshman year, and I knew he would be in there sitting in our usually spot, but this time he would be alone. I couldn’t even resist her; my body was too numb from exhaustion and shock. Upon our first step through the archway I made direct eye contact with Cain, his blue pools lost deep in thought- had he even really seen me? We kept walking at a rather quick pace right to the row of tables where he was sitting. I knew we would have to walk by him to get to the table where the rest of our friends were. My body froze, my feet cemented to the ground- I couldn’t do this. What if I accidentally brushed against him as we walked by? Could I handle that? No, I probably couldn’t.

            Rhoslyn looked back at me, “Come on, they’re right there.” She urged me forward, and I followed unwillingly.

As we walked by, he didn’t even give me a sideways glance, which probably hurt more than if he had looked at me or even reached out a hand. Break was horrible. It was all hugs and tears and thinking about how close he was physically and how distant he was emotionally. It felt like the worst fight we had ever had, but it was never going to end. Was this really going to be our forever? When the bell rang for second period, my heart almost exploded out of my chest. I did not want to be in class sitting next to him when he was blatantly ignoring my existence. Had everything we had gone through together all just lead up to this: me, heartbroken, and him, seeming like his totally nonchalant self? I had given him all my secrets and some of the best years of my life thus far. I couldn’t help but feel that the reason those years had been so great was because I had shared them with him.

How could I have been so stupid? I knew better than to trust people. I guess that had been my problem- I couldn’t help but trust him. Never had I ever trusted someone so much and in so many ways. I trusted him when he said he loved me, that he wouldn’t hurt me, that we would be together forever... Now all those things seemed like lies. I knew he had meant what he said all those times he had held me and whispered what now seem like worthless words in my ear or against the delicate skin of my neck. Just thinking about it made my cheeks flush and a shiver run down my spine. I couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment for trusting him, or the fact that our fantasy had seemed so real for so long. We blindly went along, ignoring all those who opposed us when we probably should have heeded their warnings. I really thought that we were different- that our love could survive any fire that attempted to burn it. Never had I thought I would have to protect myself from the person I loved the most- the person who had become my entire world, the person who held our future in his palm. I suppose that isn’t true. Our future had laid between us, each with a hand thrust forward, each waiting to see who would be the first to pull their hand away and betray the other. I guess I was wrong to trust him, but not to love him. I would hold that within my heart forever.