Chapter 6: Scars That Won't Heal

I walked onto the bus and saw him sitting there, looking out the window. Before I really knew what was going on, his blue eyes stared up at me and my blood stopped cold.

            “Can I sit here?” My voice was weak, almost a whisper.

            He nodded and got up so I could sit on the inside, “Sure. Of course.”

            My guess was that he just felt bad for me. I looked like a mess. After I sat down he just looked at me expectantly. What more could I give him? He had already taken everything from me. It was like he saw it coming. He wrapped his arm around me just a heartbeat before everything seemed to pour out. The hurt, the tears, the exhaustion; they all came out at once.  I leaned into him and felt his warm embrace. His arms pulled me into his strong chest, a place that seemed to give me more comfort than anywhere else, even after everything he had done to me. His hand rubbed against my back and found its place at the crook of my neck as his fingers soothingly entangled themselves in my hair. That made it even worse. Was this the last time I would ever experience his attempt to comfort me? Probably.

            “Why did you have to do this?” I quietly sobbed into his shoulder.

            I felt him squeeze me tighter as my back shook harder, “Because I need to figure everything out.”

            “What did I do? Please, I know I did something, just tell me. I won’t be angry with you,” I begged for him to be honest with me. I felt guilty for everything that had happened.

Was this some kind of punishment? “You didn’t do anything. You were so good to me- that’s why this sucks so much.”

He shifted positions, leaving one arm wrapped around me as I rested my head on his shoulder and curled into him, his cheek gently pressing into my hair. Mixed emotions raced through me. I was so thankful to be able to share this with him. Even though we had done the same thing on the bus yesterday it felt as if I hadn’t seen him in years. Silent tears still streamed from my eyes, my feelings torn in such opposite directions. I was so hurt by what he had done that I was in shock and yet I still sought comfort within his embrace. How I hated myself for letting him do this to me- break me into a million pieces and then act as if he was trying to help me put them back together.

The rest of the ride was spent mostly in silence, neither of us able to find the words we so desperately searched for. I wanted to spend the rest of eternity here. It might not be the best of circumstances, but just feeling him all around me and being able to be close to him was all I had ever wanted. If all I had gotten out of our relationship had been his comforting presence and his arms around me I would have been perfectly content- not that I hadn’t been. It made me wonder if he had really felt the same way as I had when we held each other like this. Maybe he had found it annoying to have to comfort me this way. I mean, who would want to have to do this for someone they didn’t even want to be with anymore?

That made me even more upset. The reality of the situation was wrapped all around me, but I tried to push it farther and farther away. None of this seemed like anything but a dream; the lines blurred and the feeling numb. The bus pulled into the school parking lot and I felt his arm slip away. I picked my head up off his shoulder and looked into his eyes. I searched them, hoping to find some reassurance that this was just a fight or a dream, but I found nothing but the cold hard truth. We were over and that wasn’t going to change.

I followed him off the bus as people jostled and bumped into me. He waited for me at the door and then followed as I walked to the truck. The door swung open and I slumped into the driver’s seat. He set his hand on my knee and I whispered, “Do you want to sit down?”

“Sure,” He shrugged and made his way to the other side of the truck. We sat there staring at each other; the awkward silence seemed to suffocate me.

“You don’t love me anymore,” I choked out the words. They felt like daggers as I forced them out of my mouth.

Cain sighed, “I do. I just can’t do this. We’re so different and we’ve been fighting and I… I really can’t.”

“If you still love me then why can’t you just stay with me? We don’t fight all the time. And we aren’t different. Our personalities might be, but we like a lot of the same things. That’s why we were together, remember? Why can’t you just look past this and remember all of these things?” The words rambled on and on.

“Claire, I really just can’t explain all of these things to you and you know that. We don’t want the same things. Can’t you see how much I’ve changed?”

I wiped my face on my sleeve, which had now become soaking wet, “I thought you were just having a hard time. I thought if I was just here for you we would be alright. What do you mean we don’t want the same things? You know I would give you everything. I promised you that I would. Why can’t you just stay with me? I’ll be different. I’ll give you more space. I’ll do whatever you want me to do, please just stay with me.”

He brought me into his chest and rubbed my face with his strong hand, “I don’t want you to change. You’re so special. And one day you’ll find someone who is so much better for you than me. I just want to be happy. You’re the one who taught me that being happy is important and that you have to say what you want to say and not be afraid. I do still love you, but I need time to be alone. I just want to be alone.”

            We sat there together, me curled against him like a child, and him with his head softly resting against the side of my face. My fingers ran across his cheek, touching the scruff I so often told him to shave. I really had always loved the feel of it scratching against my cheek or my neck as he attempted to “raspberry” me to withdraw a laugh. I smiled and more tears trickled down my cheeks. This would the closest I would ever be to him again. Finally, all too soon, the time came to say goodbye.

            He lifted my face to his, “I have to go to practice now; will you be alright?”

            “I don’t know,” I whimpered pitifully.

            Cain’s grip around me tightened, “Please promise me you won’t drive until you’re calmed down, I don’t want you to get in an accident. Go spend time at your grammie’s house. I just don’t want you to be alone.” I nodded and more tears came as reality smacked me right in the stomach. He kissed my forehead lightly, not our usual goodbye kiss, and hugged me tightly. I would never kiss him again. Never feel his soft warm lips press against mine or feel his lips curl in a smile just before they touched my skin. I felt so completely and utterly alone- and that is what probably hurt the most.