I followed Rhoslyn into English and was completely taken aback by what I saw:
He had changed his seat. Changed. His. Seat. He no longer sat in the front row
with Rhoslyn and I. Instead, he was in the second row seated between a couple
of his friends. Could he really not stand to be near me this much? He stabbed
yet another knife into my heart. I was starting to believe he didn’t care how
badly he bruised it. I kept reminding myself that everything was going to be
alright no matter how it felt right now. We made our way to our seats as I
tried to hold everything inside. I couldn’t let him see me act like such a
mess. My body trembled; it was the only sign of the storm that raged inside. I
knew that Rhoslyn understood how I felt, but she kept herself strong so I could
lean on her. His eyes drifted to mine, and he quickly averted them, just like
the day I fell in love with him.
The feelings rushed back again, but
this time, it felt even worse. Our relationship had ended the way it started.
All his regret and sadness and pain was exposed to me in just that one look,
just like the shy blue eyes I looked into on the first day of our freshman year
that made me fall head over heels for him. Who knows, he may even be reading
this. I had already written the letter in my mind a thousand times. Every
single time it sounded exactly the same. Still, I reached down into my pocket
and clenched the paper. It read:
I want to
say thank you. Not because I’m spiteful, but because you
loved me the way I never thought I would be loved. It was so sweet and innocent
and natural to love you. My only wish is that it never had to end, just like I
thought our love never would. Maybe it was naïve to believe that it would work,
but I had been so happy with you, regardless of the harsh words or
gut-wrenching fights. I truly fell in love with who you were before you even
spoke to me. Everything I needed to know about your heart was said through your
eyes because they were so beautiful, just like you. Your heart was pure and
filled with love you never thought you had- you would eventually tell me these
things.
I
spoke to you, and you would ignore me. It made me so angry that every other guy
I talked to would flirt, but you made me work harder than anyone I had ever been
with. It was worth it. I finally became yours that afternoon in March when you
asked me to be your girlfriend. At that time, I had never felt so happy. Little
did I know, you would make that moment shy in comparison to the years that
would follow. I remember all those Friday night dances- you held me close to
you and hummed along to the music as I quietly sang the lyrics into your ear to
show you how much you meant to me. We thought every song was just for you and I
to share. Edwin McCain spoke of how your eyes took my breath away that first
day, Rascal Flatts told everyone about the heart you showed me that nobody else
had ever been able to see, and, now, Daughtry was right to tell me that my
broken heart would survive.
I remember
that Fourth of July by the lake when everybody stared as you kissed me, but you
didn’t care; and the night of the Homecoming bonfire at school when we ran
around campus like little kids, hiding from the teachers as they patrolled the
grounds for strays. My favorite memory has to be the day it was pouring rain
outside. You know the one. Even now, with so much hurt in my heart, I smile
thinking of you kissing me under the waterfall created by the valley of the
school roof. You pulled off the hood on my sweatshirt and let the cool rain
pour down over our faces. We were both soaked to the bone, but your eyes were
bright and clear when you told me you loved me. Our lips met with a chilling
sensation and I laughed as you pushed me against the wall so I couldn’t escape
your grasp or the spring shower. You were so perfect for me. We each knew the
other’s flaws, but I loved every single one of them, and our love was wild and
reckless all the same. Only you could do this to me: make me even bolder than I
had been before. We seemed to bring out the best in each other. I made you
smile, and you made me trust- two things neither of us had been able to do
easily. My heart swooned at the thought of you, and you eventually began to
believe that what we had was real. You told me you loved me, something you had
never said - and meant - to another girl before. I could see it in your eyes-
they always gave you away. They sparkled when you smiled on the inside. Maybe
someday another girl will see this beauty in you, but that thought stings too
much to linger in my mind.
I thought all these things and more symbolized
love to me, but, for now, I pushed those feelings aside and took my seat. Only
my lip trembled to show the storm. Only my lip betrayed my love for him. Only
my lip exposed my hurt. Just as it always had.
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