Chapter 18: What Do You Want From Me?

            Cain stepped through the crowd, “What is he doing here?”

            I shrugged, “I don’t know. It isn’t like I just invited him.”

            “I can speak for myself, thank you,” Klaus butted in. I looked between them, sensing the rising tension. “I am here because I am allowed to be. And because I told Claire that I would come back some day.”

            My heart melted but Klaus’ comment seemed to anger Cain even further, “Seriously, Claire? Were you just wasting time with me while you waited for him to come back for you? God, I can’t believe I was this stupid. I made myself look like an idiot and for what- for you to just cast me aside like I’m nothing?”

            I shot up, feeling slightly woozy but steadying myself, “Are you fucking kidding me? I waited for you. I gave you so many chances. I made myself look like an asshole because I still loved you even after you treated me like shit and lied to me and let me slip away more than twice. So don’t you DARE try to tell me I played with you and made you look dumb. You deserve it after everything you’ve put me through.”

            Like so many other important times, he just stood there in his stoic silence. His lip quivered slightly and he took a deep breath- letting it exhale slowly. His gaze met mine and I could see all the hurt and the pain and the regret that had lay hidden beneath them. I wondered if he could only show these things to me- wondered if anybody else standing around us could see in him the things I had seen. I averted my eyes, not wanting to get caught up in all the emotion that had slowly begun to suffocate me.

Klaus reached around my waist to steady me and I pressed into him- his frame strong and defined. Cain seemed to flinch inward as if someone had struck him, and I knew then how much it really hurt. How much he regretted the decision to let me go. And as he turned away and parted the crowd all the way to the door I could barely suppress the urge to chase after him. My heart screamed and pounded against the inside of my chest, but my head just kept trying to quiet my heart like a mother would a frightened child- trying to reason with it by soft humming and slow strokes of thumb against cheek. But none of this was evident to the people outside my mind. My eyes glazed over and my body numb, it felt like I could feel nothing and everything all at once.

I looked at Klaus, his lips moving but no sound met my ears. My gaze was blank and he returned with a worried face. Tammy and Rhoslyn moved closer, one of them grabbing my arm and shaking me slightly. The sound slowly filtered back- first the music, then the voices, and finally the gentle humming vibration of the room. He looked at them, “Best be getting her home, ladies. It seems as if she has had enough excitement for tonight.”

All three of them walked me to the car and I climbed into the back seat. Klaus leaned down as his hand rested on the door, “Goodnight, My Dear. I shall see you tomorrow, yes? I’ll come by to make sure you’re getting along just fine. Try to get some rest.”

He bent down and kissed my forehead before shutting the car door. On the ride home I couldn’t help but allow all my feelings to gather and tangle themselves inside me. My heart thudded gently and my breath eventually became slower and deeper, slipping me into an inescapable sleep. I couldn’t help but think during my last few moments about what these two men wanted from me. Cain wanted my forgiveness and my love and Klaus had yet to ask for something. But I wasn’t sure I had anything left to give.

Chapter 17: German Chocolate

            I woke up sitting in a chair off to the side of the room, it must have only been moments later. My gaze drifted drowsily- trying to recognize those around me: Tammy, Rhoslyn… and Klaus.

            He stepped forward and took the hand that rested on my lap, “What a way to meet again, My Dear.”

            His German accent was thick and adorable, as it had always been. Klaus smiled and it threw me back to that summer- the summer I had my first heartbreak. We had been together for about two years, on and off. It hadn’t seemed that serious, but he was my first love. Then, one day he called me and told me that his family was moving back to Germany. That I could come say my goodbyes the following day and pick up anything of his I wanted. I had my mom drive me over the next morning and he greeted me at the door with a hug- one that made me wish he would never have to leave my side.

Even if we didn’t act like a typical boyfriend and girlfriend, he had still become my best friend. The thought of not being able to see him broke my heart. He hugged me and I cried into his shoulder, asking him if there was any way he could possibly stay. Klaus looked into my eyes and I knew that he had to leave. That there was no way his family would leave behind their thirteen-year-old son. He smiled as he bent down and picked up a little stuffed dog, “This was my favorite toy to sleep with when I was little. Spot- what an original name, eh?”

He gestured for me to take it and I smiled, rubbing the velvet ears between my fingers. Klaus’ hand reached up to my cheek and cradled it gently as his thumb wiped away the few tears that still lingered. He leaned forward and our foreheads touched, my hair dangling down in both of our eyes, “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” His voice was smooth and thick, like the chocolate from his homeland. “I promise I’ll come back. And maybe we can be together then- if you haven’t already found the one.”

“Klaus! It is time for Claire to go home, say goodbye!” His mother’s voice echoed down the hall from the kitchen, her words barely audible because of her accent.

We said our goodbyes and just as I turned to leave he touched my hand, or eyes met for a moment. He leaned forward slightly, so close that our lips nearly touched. We breathed the same air and I thought that this would be it- my first kiss. Klaus smiled nervously and pulled away, “Until next time, Meine Liebe.”

I was jerked back to reality- the music surrounded us and his hand still remained entangled with mine, my friends looking at me expectantly. A few feet away, my gaze landed on someone I wished was a stranger- his eyes full of hurt and anger. He clenched and unclenched his fists, “Cain?”

Chapter 16: Do I Know You?

            I logged onto my Facebook and saw that Tammy was online- good. I needed a major venting session.

Claire-Bear: Hey

Tammy Robinson: Hey! What’s up?

Claire-Bear: You know- usual drama.

Tammy Robinson: Ugh! Seriously? Who is it? Imma cut ‘em!

Claire-Bear: Lolz, bro ^_^ But no cutting =P. Cain, who else? He said he heard you and Rhoslyn talking about… you know. And then he was being so weird! Trying to be nice and stuff, saying he made a mistake!

Tammy Robinson: God! Men these days… Hey, let’s go out tomorrow night- you need to go out. Obscurum ok? Cy wants to go for a pool competition and I need someone to keep me sane =P

Claire-Bear: Sure, sounds like a plan. I’ve gotta go, ok? Tired, need a maaajor nap =P

 Tammy Robinson: No prob, text me later and we’ll figure out the details ^_^

I signed off and crawled under the covers, letting drowsiness surround me and take me to a state of unconsciousness- one that I warmly welcomed.

*   *   *

      Final bell rang the following afternoon and I couldn’t wait to get out. The past couple days had gone off without a hitch- and without much of Cain. I could honestly say I had liked feeling in control. For once, I had made the choice of whether or not he could butt in on my life.

It had been so long since I had gone out on a Friday night that my mind was whirling. Tammy and Rhoslyn were waiting on the tailgate to figure everything out for tonight. Rhoslyn- always our voice of reason- cut right to the chase, “So, who is riding with who?”

Tammy jumped right to attention, “Okay, so, I was thinking that I could drive all of us but we could spend the night at Claire’s? I mean, we’ll have the garage apartment to ourselves because her brother is gone so I figured it was a good id-” She halted mid-sentence as her gaze drifted to someone behind me.

I turned, curious as to what she had seen that interested her so much. All I saw was Cain leaning into his car. It hit me when I looked into Tammy’s eyes- they flared with cold fury; she would make him suffer for sure. She hopped off the tailgate and I lunged forward in an attempt to stop her, but she easily maneuvered around me and continued on her path of certain destruction. Rhoslyn jumped to my rescue as I stumbled toward the pavement, grabbing my arm and pulling me into her.

I stood there, watching in horror as Tammy unleashed all her anger right into Cain’s face. The whole parking lot heard as she screamed, “Look, Pal, you need to figure your shit out because Claire doesn’t want to deal with you toying with her anymore. If you had really loved her, you never would have left, and you certainly wouldn’t have treated her like crap. So, tonight we’re going out and having a great time without you. Maybe you could have been a part of what is going to be Claire’s amazing life if you weren’t such a TOOL. Have a nice day.”

She walked away, her head held high, leaving Cain to ponder over their little chat. We all climbed into our separate vehicles and drove home- all eager to spend a wild Friday night together.

When Tammy picked me up around seven o’clock Rhoslyn was already in the car and wearing a totally-cute blazer over a white cami paired with some skinny jeans. Tammy graced a shimmery gold tube top, some bangles around her small wrists, and a black hip-hugging skirt. I wore a similar blazer, but over a sleeveless boho-style coral and brown knee-length dress. We were more than ready to have a girl-night-out. The ride there was spent blasting music and singing loud with the windows down.

Obscurum was pretty much packed to the max when we arrived, but we were quickly whisked inside because we were part of the regular crowd. It was dark inside, only illuminated by the lights streaming from the DJ stand. We all immediately fell into the beat of the music as it coursed through the floor and radiated the walls. My body shook and I smiled- how I had missed this feeling. My hips swayed and all the insecurities fell away. I forgot that I had cancer. That all my hair was gone. That there was huge scar on the back of my head. That my ex had finally snapped back to his senses, although far too late on his part. I was just me.

I regrouped with Tammy and Rhoslyn at the bar- Tammy ordered a virgin daiquiri (compliments of being the DD), Rhoslyn flashed her card for a rum and coke, and I slung back a couple of jello shots. On nights like these the bartenders were usually lenient on ID’s because the bouncers were supposed to be checking.

Between the lights and the music and people dancing around me, I felt so high on life that it was insane. I jumped right back into the pit, completely immersing myself in the atmosphere and life of the club. My heart pounded with the music as I screamed lyrics and danced with Tammy and Rhoslyn and only God knows who else. Nearly two hours and countless shots later, I was still going strong and never intended to stop. My eyes caught those of someone I hadn’t seen in nearly five years- but his gaze took my breath just the same. His freckled cheeks rose in a smile and I knew for sure it was him.

I stumbled slightly toward the bar and Rhoslyn steadied me as I tried to gather myself. I was shaking and my head spun in confusion. I didn’t know what was happening; everything around me seemed blurred and my eyes sagged in a daze. Somewhere in the distance I heard a shriek, “TAMMY!”

A shape came bounding toward us and I glanced between what I could only guess were my two best friends. My mind slipped away from me, darkness came slinking in from nowhere as I struggled to regain control over my body. And then it was dark.

Chapter 15: You Stupid, Stupid Cat

            We were standing around after school, waiting until the time was right to leave and not be wicked early for my appointment. I leaned against my truck as Rhoslyn dangled her feet off the tailgate and Tammy inspected her newly-manicured nails. Rhoslyn smiled, “You look good today, Claire, how are you feeling?”

            I shrugged, “Eh, I’m a little tired, but it was good to actually come today. So, who’s taking me?”

            “Me!” Tammy didn’t miss a beat, “And I figured we stop for some Panera on the way home?”

            I couldn’t help but smile- these girls knew me so well, “That sounds awesome! Oh, crap, I forgot to grab some stuff from my locker. I’ll be right back and then we can leave, okay?”

            Tammy and Rhoslyn continued discussing. Rhoslyn looked at Tammy with a nervous smile, “This is her first time. What do you think will happen?”

            Tammy shrugged, “I dunno, chemo affects everyone differently. We’ll find out next week, I suppose.”

            I hurried back up to them carrying my stuff, “Ready to go? I have to be in the lab by 3:15.”

            “Yup, just get right in and we’ll go,” Tammy smiled and Rhoslyn hugged the both of us goodbye.

*   *   *

      I lagged a little bit the next day- the chemicals coursing through my body making me sluggish and tired. But I was determined not to let people see how weak I was. Just because my physical being was in rough shape didn’t mean that I was weak on the inside, too. In fact, I felt stronger than ever before.

      After school I hung around for a while even though Tammy and Rhoslyn had already left. I turned around and was met by big blue eyes that were now foreign to me, “Claire, can I talk to you for a second?”

      I crossed my arms, “Fine. Say what you have to say.”

      Cain sighed, “I just wanted to ask you how you’re doing. I mean, I heard Tammy and Rhoslyn talking the other day…”

      “You what?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

      He looked at me for a moment and then his eyes darted away, “I, um… What kind is it?”

      I turned to the side and pulled up the bottom of my beanie, “Take a wild guess, genius.”

      Cain shifted uncomfortably, “I’m sorry. I was just asking. And I wanted to say that I was sorry about everything that happened between us. I know I made a mistake.”

      I pursed my lips, “Seriously? Now that I have cancer you decide that you made a mistake? How much of a tool are you? I said I would never forgive you and that I would ne-ver take you back and I meant both of those things. So, just go back to how you treated me before- like I didn’t even exist.” He just stood there looking at me with his sad eyes, which angered me even further, “Goodbye, Cain.”

      I climbed into my truck and drove off, mad at myself and mad at Cain. I had let him get under my skin- something he didn’t even deserve. One thing was for sure, I had meant everything I said. It didn’t matter if he begged on his hands and knees- I would never take him back.

Chapter 14: Regrets

            I had managed to keep it a secret. Of course I had told my friends and they had done a good job of supplying excuses of why I missed so much school over the past few months, it was nearing the end of March. But now came the moment of truth. I couldn’t hide the fact that I was bald and there was a large scar at the base of my head, right where the hairline ends. The good news? The doctors suspect that they extracted nearly the entire tumor. What tiny portions they were unable to get to will hopefully go away after 18 weeks of chemotherapy. I had come to terms with the fact that I was destined to be tested one time after another and I would always overcome- no matter how steep the mountain in front of me seemed. My faith led me forward in blindness- unaware of the outcome, only knowing that, just as everything else had, this would pass.

            I walked into school, my head held high, and was greeted by the two best friends ever. Tammy and Rhoslyn smiled widely took turns nearly squishing me to death with their hugs. They had come to the hospital to visit me religiously and made me remember how strong I was. We had cried together more times than I cared to count. They snuck food into my room against policy because I was craving cheese and broccoli soup from Panera. They put me in a wheel chair and rode on the back all the way from oncology to surgical procedures (which was our longest stretch to date). My parents had practically adopted them- letting them stay over on school nights so I wouldn’t be alone, helping me pick out my wig, and now they had each decided to alternate weeks of taking me to chemo every Wednesday after school.

            Tammy reached forward “Let me take your books, Claire, they look heavy.”

            I held them tight against my chest, determined, “No, I can do it. They said I need to start getting back to normal and normal people are strong enough to carry their school books.”

            She gave me a knowledgeable look and stepped back. Tammy knew that I was bull-headed when it came to being independent. I had let most of it slip away, allowing myself to rely on others through this long process, but now the time had come for me to start standing on my own. Sure, I knew I was going to stumble a few more times and have them pick me up, but I would learn to walk steadily again.

            They walked with me to homeroom and we sat round chatting until the bell rang. I knew I would have to face him eventually. I had gotten over the break up and all the hurt he had caused me, but this was different. I wouldn’t be the same girl he knew and I didn’t want his anger toward me to melt into pity because of what had happened. If anything, I wanted him to not even acknowledge that I existed- it was something I had become accustomed to. One by one, people filed into homeroom. They all smiled and seemed welcoming, obviously noticing the changes in my appearances, but treating just as they had before. It comforted me to know that their view of me hadn’t changed, even if part of me had.

            He walked in, his gaze immediately drawn to where I was sitting. Had he been anticipating my return? No. I pushed the thought away from my mind. He smiled and sat in his regular spot. We did not look at each other again. Or, rather, I tried to ignore that he was there and more than once I felt his hot stare bit the back of my head as I was turned speaking to someone else. Was he looking at my scar? I immediately felt insecure and reached back to run my fingers over it, pulling my beanie hat farther down over the back of my head. He should just mind his own business, I thought as my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

            First bell rang and everyone left the room. Somehow, Cain ended up walking behind me. I felt an annoying tapping on my shoulder and I turned around, “Yes?”

            He looked somewhat intimidated by my harsh stare, “I, um, just wanted to see if you were alright. That scar looks kind of nasty, is that why you’ve been out?” I nodded, “Oh. Okay. Um, cool. So, what happened?”

            I felt anger rise up inside me, “It really isn’t any of your business. Just because I might look sick and weak doesn’t mean I am. And I still don’t forgive you.”

            He just stood there in the middle of the hallway, obviously taken aback by my ferocity, as I turned and walked away. I wasn’t going to deal with him. I needed to focus on myself. So what if he regretted his decision and suddenly wanted to be my best friend? I told him I was going to move on and I had. There were much bigger things at work in my life than him and he wasn’t going to get in the way of my progress. For the first time in my life, I was putting myself first and it felt amazing.

Chapter 13: Diagnosis

          I sat there in the little white room, thinking about everything. About how the problem with my eyes had started long ago- over a year now. That I had grown increasingly clumsier and my headaches had become crippling. So, here I sat, after numerous weeks of testing and poking and prodding. I was snapped out of my daze when I heard the door click open and then shut behind an older man in a long white coat holding my medical file. He sat down and removed his glasses with a sigh. I held my breath as he spoke, “Well, we have reviewed your file and come to a conclusion.”

            My mother leaned forward in anticipation, “And?”

            I could tell it wasn’t good by the way he looked at his- his eyes sad and sorrowful, “We believe you have Medulloblastoma, it’s a common form of tumor that grows in the brain-” My mother began to sob and I pressed myself against her in comfort, “The tumors are usually malignant. The survival rate with this form of cancer is about fifty-percent.  But, with treatment, you have a better chance of fighting and winning. We can discuss your treatment options at a later date. Do you have any questions?”

            “How big is it?” I heard the words drift sleepily from my mouth.

            He opened the file and held up the MRI scan pictures to the light, “It’s about 3.5 centimeters in diameter so that puts you in stage two of the tumor-process. Hopefully, we can keep this from moving forward with the possibility of a surgery paired with chemotherapy later on. I am very optimistic about this- it isn’t very large and we caught it early enough to have time to treat it.”

            I held myself together as my mother continued to weep, her sides heaving as I felt the pain coursing through her. Her oldest child, her baby, had already felt so much suffering and yet, here we were. One thing after another had landed on my shoulders, but none of the others mattered now. Surgery was in my future. And treatments that I had never imagined. I knew that just as everything else had passed, this would, too. It hurt inside to know that I was sick, but I had to be strong for my family. I knew I could lean on them for support, but right now was their time to grieve. Tonight would be my time. When I would sit by myself in my room and curse whatever sent this upon me. And then I would wake up, go to school, and put on a mask to show everyone I could be strong. Because, in the end, there was a plan and this was part of it.

Chapter 12: The Day the Dam Burst

            Snow fell lightly upon the ground. The day felt so peaceful. Little did the world know, a volcano was about to erupt from inside me and spew angry black dust all over the surrounding areas. My heart throbbed and I thought about how I hadn’t eaten in over a week. Well, small things when I absolutely had to force myself, but other than that I had refused to consume. I was the odd one out at Christmas dinner, although I still adorned a decorative, albeit fake, smile. I had learned things over vacation that I had never wanted to know. My heart had hardened to protect itself. Inside, a wounded and jaded heart slowly pumped away, and a cast of iron had forged itself around the pitiful remains.

            I had spent most of my time with my family and Tammy. They did their best to distract me from the whole situation. One thing was for sure, my parents were growing more and more infuriated with Cain’s rising stupidity level. They were about five seconds from lift off when I informed them of the rumor I had heard from, not only one, but multiple different sources. They all had said the same thing: he lied.

            Thursday came around, the first day after vacation, and I knew that I could no longer contain what bubbled under my surface. I wanted answers and I wanted them now. Cain walked into homeroom wearing a slight smile- it made my heart lurch and my stomach clench. His eyes met mine and I knew he saw it, “What’s wrong?”

            I stood up, “I need to talk to you.”

            I knew my words would worry him. Good. Let him sweat this one out. We walked out onto the porch and he came close to me, “What do we need to talk about?”

            “You lied to me,” I kept my emotions hidden deeply inside me even though every fiber of my being was screaming for tears.

            He looked confused and wary at the same time, “What? What are you talking about, Claire?”

            “I heard what you said, Cain! I heard that you dumped me for that dumb skank, Leah, who already has a boyfriend because you think she’s super-hot and you want to fuck her. Three days after you tell me you want to be alone and figure things out, you make a plan to move in on her because you think her boyfriend doesn’t care. Newsflash, she’s way out of your league and he does care. Probably more than you ever did about me. Maybe you should have been focusing on our relationship instead of her ass in those fucking yoga pants you apparently like so much! So, here it is. This is your last chance to realize that you made a mistake. After today, I will never come back. I’ve spent enough nights crying over you and pretending I was alright. Apparently you aren’t the only one who can lie,” My voice was even and cold.

            He just stood there, speechless, taking in everything I had to say. We stood there, just looking at each other, as silence came between us and entangled us within its grasp. Finally he said, “I really don’t know how to respond to this.”

            I smirked, partially out of complete and utter relief that I had spoken my mind, and partially because I couldn’t believe he was not only giving me no answer, but he was letting me slip away once again. “Wrong answer,” I responded and walked away. I knew he would have to follow me, we had homeroom together, but I still got the closure I had wanted, even without answers. I proved who I was and so did he. His chance was gone and he would realize that he would never find another girl like me. He would never find another girl who treated him like her knight in shining armor, her hero, her prince. And, most of all, I knew that I would be happy again.

Chapter 11: Who Your Real Friends Are

I stepped back, letting my hand fall to my side. I felt his words stab into my flesh like a knife and I winced in pain. What had happened between us? Why was he so angry? I tried to convince myself that it had nothing to do with me- that he was just upset because of what happened with Jake- but I knew that I was just feeding myself a lie. It had everything to do with me, that’s why he was so angry. My insides knotted up into a ball and I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach. Sure enough, I walked over to the grass, bent over, and proceeded to see my lunch for the second time today. Everyone looked at me and I felt embarrassment well up inside me, my cheeks becoming flushed and hot.

            I turned away and walked back to my truck, my mind reeling and my stomach still churning. I practically collapsed against it, clutching to the side of the truck. A body braced itself against me to help keep me steady. I turned my head and Tammy was by my side- she was always there for me to lean on and this was no different. Rhoslyn was crossing the parking lot toward us with a concerned look on her face, “What’s wrong? Are you alright?” I shook my head, unable to speak as tears choked me. Apparently Tammy had seen most of what had happened and did a quick recap for Rhoslyn as she stood there with her mouth gaping in surprise.

            Tammy and I exchanged a look that told me she wasn’t going to tell Rhoslyn about what happened after we left the club if I didn’t want her to- and I knew that Rhoslyn would completely freak out if she knew. They stayed with me until I was stable enough to drive myself home and the whole ride there I couldn’t help but realize how thankful I was to have them. They had become my whole world since Cain and I had broken up. They were the ones I called when I was upset and crying or happy and laughing. They were the ones who organized for me to spend the weekends with them instead of home by myself. They were the best friends I could ever ask for and I hadn’t even thanked them. So, if Rhoslyn and Tammy are reading this, this is a formal thank you. You two girls mean the world to me and I would be so lost without you. It’s times like this that you realize who your real friends are. They gather around you and lift you up when all you feel like is falling down.

            I spent the rest of the night talking on the phone with Rhoslyn and messaging Tammy online. That night, I drifted away to sleep in such a peaceful place that I almost forgot what had happened earlier and how confused I was about my situation with Cain. My dreams were not disturbed, they were sweet and enjoyable and something I had longed of for weeks. I knew that even though my heart throbbed painfully and my veins coursed with regrets and unsaid words, everything would be alright. My future was being laid out in front of me and all I could do at this point was keep walking on the twisted road through the darkest part of the forest. Eventually, I knew I would come to an open glade basking in sunshine. This is where my happiness will reside. This is where all my past questions and doubts will be answered and proven. And I was content.

 

*This chapter is dedicated to my two best friends- the living, breathing, Tammy and Rhoslyn. You two ladies have gotten me through so much and I will be here to repay the favor when your time comes to endure a rough patch. I love you two like sisters <3 *

Chapter 10: Behind Closed Doors

            I looked up from my accounting homework as someone walked through the door into homeroom- it was Cain. He hand an armful of books with a bottle of orange juice resting on top precariously. I contained a laugh, “Having a hard time?”

            He sat everything down on the desk next to mine, “Not anymore, thanks.”

            “Oh? Is someone cranky this morning?” I chuckled.

            Cain gave me a stern look as he sat down and took out his Spanish homework, “No, I’m fine.”

            I dropped it there, not wanting to agitate him further when I was clearly in a good mood and he was not. The rest of the people in homeroom glanced back and forth between us, obviously recognizing our couple-like banter. I shrugged it off and hurriedly filled in debits and credits and proved cash in my workbook. The day flew by, bells rang and people shuffled around me- I laughed and smiled and it felt like I was finally coming back together, that I might be returning to my new state of normal. I boarded the bus back to school from vocational and noticed that only one open seat remained- next to Cain.

            I was sort of dreading sitting next to him, especially because of our exchange this morning, but I sucked it up and put on my best smile, “Hey, can I sit here?”

            He scooted toward the window, “Sure, go for it.”

            We made some small talk on the way back to school and chatted with some of our friends. It went by fast enough and without much awkwardness passing between us. Everyone filed off the bus with a hum of excitement. Excitement on a Monday? Ew. The thought repulsed me.

            I stood by my truck attempting to open the door when I noticed someone miraculously appear next to me, leaning against the side. I gave him a halfhearted glance, “Hey, Jake, what are you doing?”

            “Just lookin at a fine piece of lady that I would like to take home with me tonight,” He said smoothly.

            I had to give it to him, he was attractive, but he had a reputation that I had no intention being a part of, “No thanks, I’m busy tonight.”

            Jake laughed and moved a step closer, “Come on, Claire, you know you need to get over this breakup somehow… And we’ve always been close.”

            I turned to look at him, “Jake, I’m really not interested, okay? I’m just not ready to- er- sleep with someone this soon after.”

            He stepped closed again and reached around me, “Claire…”

            I shoved his arm away, “Seriously, Jake, I don’t want this!”

            “Back off, Jake. She said to leave her alone,” A defensive voice came from behind me.

            My head whipped around to see Cain standing there, his chest puffed and fists clenched in anger. Jake scoffed, “Really, Cain, coming to her rescue after you broke her heart? What a douche. You trying to get back in with her or something?”

            It happened so fast. I barely had time to jump out of the way before Cain had lunged forward and grasped Jake by the neck, pinning him to the ground. A scream escaped me as people gathered around, cheering and chanting and yelling out names, betting on who was going to win this match. I just stood there, horrified, and frozen in fear. Cain landed punch after punch as blood began to well at the corner of Jake’s eye and on his cheekbone. Jake shifted his weight, shoving Cain over into his back and landing a blow as well. Finally I found my voice, “Stop it! Stop! Both of you knock it off before a teacher comes out and you both get expelled!”

            Cain grunted and threw Jake off him with Jake landing flat on his back a few inches away. He lay there, still and unmoving, as Cain loomed over him like a giant. He turned his head and spit blood onto the ground, his chest heaving, “Don’t ever talk about Claire like that again. And if you do, be prepared to taste your balls.”

            Jake just stayed where he was, groaning pitifully on the ground, as Cain stalked away through the crowd that had gathered around us. I ran after him, grabbing his still-tensed arm, “Cain, wait, are you alright? Do you need me to help you with that lip?”

            He just looked back at me, eyes blazing with blue fury, “No, Claire, I think you’ve done enough for me today.”

Chapter 9: The Morning After

            I pried my eyes open after what seemed like forever and only a few moments all at the same time. I glanced around in confusion and sat upright, holding the blankets to cover my exposed skin. Cain lay beside me, stirring slightly as I shifted around nervously. He rubbed his face with his hands and bumped against me, “Claire, what are you doing? Go back to sleep.”

            I lay back down beside him and said quietly, “Cain, what time is it? It looks like it’s light outside.”

            He mumbled inaudibly for a moment and then sat up to look out the window near his bed, “Oh, shit.”

            “What?” I tried to hide the panic in my voice.

            Cain rolled out of bed and pulled on his pants, “I slept through my alarm and I have a meet this morning. Good thing it’s only five, the bus leaves at six-thirty.  And it doesn’t sound like my parents are up yet either.”

            “Okay, so, what are we supposed to do?” I questioned.

            Cain continued scurrying about his room collecting things that had been strewn about carelessly last night and packing his wrestling bag at the same time as I sat there watching him from beneath the covers. His bare chest was still exposed and I could see his green and red plaid boxers poking out from beneath the belt of his pants. I couldn’t believe how attracted to him I was and how much I still wanted him, even after how satisfying last night was. The way his eyes had sparkled in the dim light made my breath catch in my chest and all I could do was sigh.

            It was only when Cain turned around to look at me that I realized I had actually done so aloud. He dropped what he was holding onto the floor and walked toward me, taking my face in his hands and firmly pressing his lips against mine. When he released me from his entangling grasp I felt somewhat dazed. He smiled and pressed his side against mine, running his fingers through my bed head, “I’m sorry, I forgot to ask. How did you sleep?”

            I looked down at the bed shyly, “I slept fine, wish it could have been longer, though.”

            “What, an hour wasn’t good enough for you? Sorry, I’m not Superman,” He joked and gave me a wink as he moved back to collecting his things.

            “I didn’t mean that,” I giggled childishly.

            I climbed out of bed and searched for my dress, “So, I’m just going to take you back to the club to pick up your car on my way to school to catch the bus, does that sound alright?”

            “Sure,” I said while pulling my dress on- abandoning all hope of finding my bra.

            The next half hour was spent in silence as we hoped his parents would not awaken before we had to leave. Finally, the time had come. His door creaked slightly as he opened it and we both looked around cautiously- no sign that anyone was awake. We quietly crept back through the living room and were met at the kitchen table by an unexpected sight: his brother sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. Any other morning, his brother would have slept in until noon, but apparently not today. The two of us just stood in his presence- the awkward silence growing larger and larger as the seconds passed.

            Cain reached up and scratched the back of his head, “Uh… We’re just gonna go to the meet, okay?”

            His brother shoveled anther spoonful of cereal into his mouth, “Mmmkay.”

            We made a quick escape and closed the door quietly behind us, praying that his brother wouldn’t say anything to his parents. After climbing into the car, the radio began blaring loudly from the night before- had it really been like that last night? Things seemed to blur together in visions of ecstasy and shadows and I smiled at the thought. I sang along to the music as he hummed and drummed his hand against the steering wheel- just like we used to do. We pulled into the parking lot and Cain shifted the car into park. His eyes met mine, “I’ll call you later, okay? Maybe we could do this again? I had a good time, at least.”

            I leaned close and pressed my lips to his. Just when he moved to reach for me I pulled away and grinned, “Call me.” I winked and stepped out of the car. My heals clunked against the pavement toward my truck as I heard his car stay idle. I hoped he was enjoying the view. One thing was for sure, this seemed to be the start of a beautiful friends with benefits.

Chapter 8: Oh, How You Romance Me

            I smiled back at him and pressed myself deeper into his chest to take in his clean masculine scent, “Your place? It’s closer than mine.”

            He only lived about fifteen minutes away as opposed to my thirty. His lips traced the line of my neck as he breathed, “Sure. But my parents are home.”

            I pulled away from him and brought my hand up to touch his face ever so gently. My lips curled again in a smile, “So?”

            Cain reached forward and grabbed my hips, bringing me into him. His voice was low as he spoke into my ear, “What are we waiting for?”

            He laced his hand in mine and we fought our way to the exit. Tammy caught my eye and I signaled that I would text her later. Speaking of later, what time was it anyway? I guess I would find out in the car. Car. Right. How was I supposed to get home? I would figure that out later, I suppose. I opened the passenger door and climbed inside. It smelled like him- his deodorant mixed with the air freshener I bought him over the summer so his car wouldn’t smell like sweaty football pads. He turned on the car and his favorite radio station came on, hard rock, but he quickly changed it to mine- which was still preset on his favorites to my surprise. His blue eyes ate me up, “Is this station okay, or would you prefer another?”

            I smiled at his adorable-ness, “No, this is fine.”

            The ride went by quickly and before I knew it we were pulling into his driveway, “Wait here for a second. I’ll go see if anyone is still up and then come back for you.” I waited like he said and he came back just a moment later. We crept into the house, both of us carrying our shoes in our hands. Somehow, the fact that we were sneaking around made everything so much more exciting. We made it all the way through the kitchen and living room to get to his bedroom. I had been in here many times before, most of them being while his parents were away visiting friends or his mom went away on a business trip and his dad decided to go spend the weekend hunting. We had played video games with his brother on this bed. We had cuddled and fallen asleep together in this bed. I couldn’t believe this was happening. His parents were upstairs. We were here. What would happen if they caught us?

            It didn’t matter. We wanted each other. And it wasn’t like we hadn’t done something like this before. I stood at the edge of the bed, my fingers tracing the geometric design of the comforter- remembering what it had felt like to lay here so many times before. I felt his hands slip around my waste and his weight press against my back. I enlaced my fingers with his and a sigh escaped me as his lips met my neck. They traced their way down to my shoulder, which he knew I had always loved. I turned to face him, letting my hands unbutton the shirt to reveal his strong broad chest as it slipped off his shoulders and onto the floor. He leaned his face close to mine, so close that our foreheads touched and we breathed the same air, “I’ve missed you.” His voice came in a whisper against my lips.

            I smiled and let one hand rest gently against his chest, “I’ve missed you, too.”

            There was a slight rustle as his pants slumped onto the floor, my dress shortly followed and everything lay in a heap beside the bed. The darkness surrounded us. We could barely make out anything but the shimmer reflecting in each other’s eyes. Moonlight drifted into the room through the window- stars glimmering in the night sky. Together the moon and stars would hold our secrets, just as they had done many times before. I closed my eyes as he kissed me deeply, our bodies pressing into the bed. Cain pulled away and the moonlight made his skin glow silver against the darkness- his eyes so clear and blue, “Are you sure that this is what you want?”

            His face was twisted in concern and longing, was he questioning what had happened between us two weeks ago? Had he realized how much of a mistake it had been? I reached up and brought his lips to mine. “Yes.”

Chapter 7: Obscurum

        Monday. It had only been five days since the breakup. So, here I was, waiting for the timer to go off on my phone and tell me it had been five minutes. I didn’t cry. I hadn’t cried since that first day. But this was scary and I felt alone. Rhoslyn had promised we would drive into town next week and do it together. Cain had no idea what was going on and was at wrestling practice- not that he would care anyway. Cutting me out of his life seemed like no big deal for him. Three years had obviously meant a lot.

            What was I supposed to do? He wouldn’t take me back no matter what and I doubt that this situation would be any different. He wasn’t who I thought he was. If I turned out to be pregnant, I would be alone. I felt so ashamed. Why had I believed him? Why had I believed anything that he had ever told me? All I could think now was lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. I had lost count of how many things he had told me that had become a lie. The biggest one, and probably the one hardest to swallow was I love you. We’ll be together forever. A lump rose in my throat thinking about how many other girls he would say the same thing to. I could feel the familiar pricking of tears, but I forced them away. I didn’t need him if he didn’t need me- and it was obvious that he didn’t. After loving him for so long, I hated myself. I should hate him for everything he had done, everything he had stolen from me. But I didn’t.

            My phone vibrated in my pocket, the time was up. I picked up the little white stick and saw a blue line. Not pregnant. I breathed a sigh of relief, being a teenage mother on top of everything would have just been icing on the cake.

*   *   *

      Two weeks later, to the day, I sat in my truck and cried. I felt anger and hatred rise up inside me. I felt things I never thought would be directed toward him. I had tried so hard to be his friend, like we promised we would be, but all he showed me was how much of an asshole he had become. Things that were funny to joke about when we were together were now directed at me in front of everyone- our relationship was just a stupid joke. It felt like he had never loved me like he said he had. All my emotions swirled around in my head, my stomach clenched, and I felt like all I wanted to do was scream.

            I had meant nothing to him. I remembered out exchange just the other day, “We can still hang out and be friends, right?”

            He leaned into me, “Of course we can.”

            Yet another lie he had told me right to my face. There was no way we could be friends when my feelings were so confused and his so clear. I slammed my hand into the steering wheel with a hard thwack. My breath came in gasps as I had an anxiety attack. I grasped the front of my shirt and gritted my teeth in pain. I could feel what was left of my heart drifting farther and farther apart, the pieces getting lost like driftwood in an open sea. It hurt to look at him, to be around him, to know that I was still so desperately in love with him when he didn’t even want anything to do with me.

Fast forward through a boring week to Friday. Everything had seemed fine between us. No awkward glances passed between us. We laughed. We talked. I felt things healing between us- that the smile on my face wasn’t just for looks. I felt myself growing more and more happy with each passing day. I was settling into being without him.

I still found myself jolting awake in the night, the tears rolling down my cheeks as I heard my voice calling out his name. The pain would soon ebb away with each throb of my heart and I would drift back to sleep, reminding myself that it was only a dream. I knew that it wouldn’t be that easy. And I knew that I still hurt inside. But every day I smiled more and frowned less. I surrounded myself with people so that the things I thought of when I was alone would never come forward.

We were all standing around in the gym lobby after final bell trying to decide on our weekend plans. My phone vibrated in my pocket, “Hello?”

“Hey, Claire! I’m looking for someone to come with me to Club Obscurum tonight, are you in?” I had never been, but I figured if Tammy was going, then it couldn’t be that bad.

“Yeah, I’d love to come. Are you picking me up or what?” My first time ever going to a club. This would be good.

“Nah, I figured we would just meet up there. Invite whoever you want, tonight is gonna be awesome!” I could hear her smiling, she obviously had something planned.

We said goodbye and I turned back to the group, “You guys up for Club Obscurum tonight? It sounds like it’s gonna be great.”

They all murmured amongst themselves for a moment before deciding that most of us would be coming. We continued arranging rides to and from the club and telling some jokes in between. Finally, our group began to slowly disperse as rides home showed up and others needed to be getting ready for practice. Before long, Cain and I were the only two remaining. Our eyes met and I smiled, “Are you coming tonight?”

He looked down and scuffed his shoes against the tile, “Maybe. I mean, I’ll be pretty tired after practice.”

I shrugged, “I understand, I just figured you might want to come and have a good time. But you’re busy so, it’s cool. Have fun at practice.” I was resided to the fact that he probably just wanted to avoid outside contact with me. Whatever, I was going to make tonight count.

I spent the rest of the afternoon preparing. Shower: check, Pink Chiffon body spray: check, hair blown out: check, LBD: double check. I looked in the mirror and what I saw before me was stunning. You would question why this girl was single. I looked hot, and I knew it. I locked the door to my apartment and strutted to the truck in my heels. On the ride into town I got pumped on music, dancing around in my seat and going complete all-out rock star (it must have been hilarious for the people behind me). By the time I had arrived at the club I was so high on life that I doubted I even needed to go inside.

I saw the line stretching out into the parking lot. Tammy waved at me frantically trying to get my attention- she was just like that, but I loved her for it. She looked totally awesome in a short sequined number and ballet flats. Of course, her best accessory had to be her boyfriend, Cy. They had been together for quite some time and even though they didn’t really seem to “match” as a couple, they were adorable in their own way. Both Tammy and Cy greeted me with smiles and hugs and I smiled right back. Before long we were ushered inside from the cold November night.

The walls pulsated along with the music and I let it completely consume me. I felt the bass ripple through my body as I moved with the beat. My hips swiveled as I held my hands above my head, laughing and smiling and going along with the music. Tammy and I went on grinding and making fools of ourselves and having an amazing time as guys just gawked at our audacity. It was nearly nine o’clock before I needed a drink. Tammy and I brushed through the crowd toward the bar. People shouted their orders at the bartender as he scrambled around to fill them for impatient customers. Tammy’s voice rang out above the crowd, “TWO CRANBERRY MARTINIS!” (nobody was checking for ID's anyway). We were served shortly after

We stood chatting for a few minutes as we sipped our drinks, “Seriously, Tammy? I mean, it was the most boring class ev-” I broke off as someone bumped my arm and made me slosh my drink into the floor, “HEY! Watch where you’re going!”

He turned around and our eyes met, “Sorry, Claire, didn’t see you there.”

“Oh. Cain. Sorry, I didn’t know that was you,” I choked out the words.

Tammy coughed, “Uhhh… I’m just gonna go find Cy now, he’s probably almost done over by the pool table.”

His blue eyes deepened, “So, I’ve um, seen you out there tonight. You seem to be having a good time.”

I smiled shyly, “Yeah, Tammy and I are having a great time. What about you, are you having fun?”

He shrugged, “It isn’t as fun when there is nobody you can dance with. I probably shouldn’t have come, but all the guys were talking about it at practice so I decided to just go with it.”

“Well, you can dance with me if you want to?” I felt my cheeks grow hot with embarrassment.

Cain paused for a moment and finally answered, “Sure, why not?”

So we did. We danced like we used to. His hands rested on my hips and I moved with the beat and pressed my back against his chest. I could feel his breath against my neck and it sent shivers down my spine. I loved every second of it. I felt Cain tug on my arm and motion toward the bar and I followed, holding the back of his shirt so we wouldn’t get separated.

Before I had even stopped walking he whipped around and pressed his back against the bar, making me almost slam right into his chest (which I really didn’t mind doing). He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me even closer. Cain leaned in and whispered into my ear, “Do you want to leave?”

“Where would we go?” I questioned, feeling my heart start to thud against the inside of my chest.

He smiled and pressed his lips to mine. I felt his hand turn into a fist and pull at the fabric of my dress. Cain pulled away after several moments with a smile, “Wherever you want.”