Or Maybe Not
I took a
deep breath and sent the
message. “Does this
mean you don’t want to be with me anymore?”
Finally his response came, “Yes.”
My world crumbled around me. I turned
hysterical; my whole body shook with each desperate gasp for air as tears
flooded from my eyes. I dialed his phone number with frantic fingers, praying
that this was just a horrible, horrible nightmare- that the love of my life
hadn’t just broken up with me through a text message. He picked up after what
seemed like too many rings, “Yes?”
“Are you kidding? Is this a joke?
Please tell me you’re lying to me; I won’t be mad at you. Please. Please, just
tell me,” I croaked through tears and what felt like a major anxiety attack.
The constriction in my chest made me feel like I was dying inside.
“I’m sorry,” was all he managed to
say.
“I thought you loved me. Were you
lying? Were you using me?” Questions rambled from my brain to my mouth faster
than I could control them. I wanted so badly to stop asking questions I didn’t
want answers to, but it seemed that now that the dam had burst, everything was
coming forward.
“Of course I love you,” Lies. “I wouldn’t use you. I’m just not
happy. I’ve felt this way for a while, and I tried really hard to be happy with
you because I didn’t want to hurt you, but I have to do this for myself. I
really am sorry.” I could hear his voice clench with tears. I could count on
one hand the amount of times I had seen him cry. This only confused me further. If it hurt him this much,
why did we have to break up? Why did it have to be this way?
“You took everything from me. I gave
you my virginity because you said we were going to be together forever. You
gave me your ring…” I twirled the silver band around my finger as more and more
tears seemed to bubble to the surface and run down my red cheeks. I blindly ran my
thumb over the diamonds that surrounded the beautiful oval opal I had so
openly admired that chilly day he presented it to me. All our memories crashed
over me, and I trembled under the immense weight. My head spun as I thought of
him handing me the note. It read:
Claire,
I’m so glad that today is going to be as special as I expect it to be. I
love you so very much. Never forget that. It would be hard to forget anyway, I
tell you that all the time <3 I promise I will write you letters much more
often- you really deserve it. So… Remember how I wanted to give you a gift?
Well, you’re going to get it really soon! Are you ready? Are you sure? Do you
really think so? Don’t be afraid to admit you aren’t! I can always do it later…
So, you’re positive that you’re ready? There’s no doubt in your mind? Okay!
Flip the page over when you’re ready for it!
I turned it over with a smile; he
always made me smile with his romantic gestures. He had pulled out the ring and when I
looked up, he opened the box. Inside it was the most stunning piece of jewelry
I had ever seen. The breath caught in my throat and tears welled up inside me.
I had never been so happy than at that exact moment. His eyes were so genuine
and he could barely suppress the smile that clung to his lips when he said, “I
know we’re young, but will you marry me?”
I cried and said yes after I read the
final line on the back of the letter: Forever
and ever and ever after that… That’s a promise <3. I thought that this
moment was the beginning. I mean, who couldn’t think about the future when that
was all that seemed to be ahead of us? After almost two years together, I was
sure he was “the one”. The way he
smiled at me and held me against him when I was sick or sad or lonely- that was
how love was supposed to be, right? And now, here he was, telling me that these
things would never happen again. I would never hug him or kiss him. We would
never spend another afternoon wrapped up with each other, snuggling and
whispering secrets. We would no longer plan our future together; what wedding dress
I would wear, what our kids would look like, or even what to do before the
senior prom.
My mind jumped backward yet again. Our
relationship hadn’t needed sex. We were like best friends from the beginning. It
just seemed like after almost a year and a half, the time had finally come. It had
happened on a summer day when the wind blew through the trees and sunlight
dappled the ground through the greenery. All it did was add yet another layer
of depth to our relationship- making it even more committed and interwoven than
it had been before. Now, looking back, I still don’t regret anything. He was
good to me, and maybe that is why it hurt so much.
All these things, and so many more,
bombarded me as I sat there bawling into my end of the phone. He listened and
cried, too. I didn’t want to accept this as the end. This couldn’t be how it
was meant to play out. There was no way…“I’m so sorry; I didn’t want to do this
to you. I never wanted to hurt you. I know that I wouldn’t be who I am without
you. I’m so sorry,” He repeated the meaningless words over and over again. Every
single time it felt like a new stab to the heart. Why would he say these things
to me when we can just be together?
“Please stay with me… I love you,” I
begged. “I’m sorry for the things I said, I take them back! Please just stay
with me...” Sobs broke from my chest yet again, making it hard to speak or even
breathe, “I wasn’t mad; I was just confused! Please… Stay with me,” I pleaded
with him.
Each time I asked him to stay he only
said, “I’m sorry, I can’t.”
Finally, I stopped, tired of hearing
him reject me one time after another. There would have been a time when this
never happened. “What have I done? I ruined this!”
He sobbed louder and his voice
cracked, “No, please don’t say that! You were so good to me… You were such an
amazing girlfriend- this isn’t your fault.”
“If it isn’t my fault, then why are
you doing this to me?!” I screamed, trying to drown the overwhelming urge to
rip out my hair. Tears seemed to appear magically and over-abundantly the more
frustrated and sad and hurt I became.
“It’s just the way it has to be,” He
replied simply, as if that was supposed to answer all my questions- which it
did not.
What we talked about after that was a
blur; lots of me crying and telling him how much I needed and wanted to be with
him- that I would be alone for the rest of my life without him. He kept telling
me that none of it was true; that I was special, and I would find someone
better than him- someone made for me. I couldn’t believe all the things he was
saying. There was nobody better for me than him. We were meant to be together.
I begged him to stay once more, and he, again, refused.
Before we hung up, I told him
something I probably shouldn’t have, but felt with all my heart, “I don’t care
what you say or how long it takes; I’ll wait for you.”
“Please don’t say that,” His voice
hoarse with exhaustion and sadness. I heard the phone click- ended.
Little did I know that this was probably going
to be the last ounce of emotion I would be able to draw from him. 
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